A time for me?

“ This is your time to weep,
This is your time to mourn,
Not yet time to build up,
Just a time to tear down old walls.”

“Time love and Jesus seem to beat it’

“she’ll find out this is harder than taking medicine”

-A time for Yohe by Between the Trees.



We need our walls around us for our protection. My walls used to be there for all the wrong reasons. They were for me to hide behind and block out things that I deemed too hard to deal with. My walls were my ‘safe place’ but the devil was in there with me, and in reality all the walls were doing were further separating me from God.
Now that those walls are being torn down I’m left standing on a pile of rubble that once was my comfort spot. My temple has been attacked and I guess I still lack the strength to rebuild it, and I guess that that strength comes from a relationship with God… which has also been severely damaged… or maybe its just not time to build up new walls yet…
I’m not sure anymore. When I think I’m ready I never seem to get far and I have no idea what’s stopping me anymore, I know that this is no longer about the medicine I’m taking and the ‘professionals’ I’m seeing, this is so much more and so much harder than just taking medicine. I also know that I need three things to build up my walls again, this time the right kind of walls, the kind that keep God in and the devil out.
These three things are time, love and Jesus. I still struggle with the last two.

Learning to Fall

Wrote this today... its to song lyrics of course...
"when words fail, music speaks!"

MARTINA McBRIDE-"Learning To Fall"
I was alone in the dark
Never let down my guard
Closed the curtain on my heart
So the world could not see
All the demons in me
Told myself I was free
Then you showed me how wrong I could be

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing on a mountain of rubble
That once was a wall
Took years to build around me
And you came alongAnd you tore it down
Like it was nothing at all
Now it's a little scary
Learning to fall

When you looked in my eyes
Past the fear and false pride
You saw goodness inside
I can't believe how I feel
I believe love is real
And I'm ready to heal
You show me how right I can be

[Chorus]

I was holding on, now I'm letting go
I was holding on, now I'm letting go
I was holding on, now I'm letting go

[Chorus]

For years i've felt alone, in the darkness of clinical depression and anxiety.
Sometimes i still do. Im scared to let my gard down so people can hurt me again, so i hide myself. I go to youth group and bible study but still have a curtain drawn around my heart pretending im free and i have it all together and everything's fine. Im beginning to realise... or pehaps God's started to show me that im wrong.
For me God often used people around me and songs to tear down my walls and leave me standing in the rubble of something that used to be my safe place and my preoection.
Its really scary and unsettling to fall from our safe place but im beginning to trust that God know's whats best...
God knows whats inside of us because he made us. He easily looks past out fear, our anxiety, our false pride, our weaknesses and our sin to see the good in our hearts, to see our character.
God shows us his love, he pours it out throught his word, through our suroundings, throught people and for me through words of songs.
His love is REAL. His love is the base of ALL love, as Pastor John pointed out we HAVE to have God's love in order to love ourselves and each other.
Now that im beginning to connect with God again im ready to heal...
Im still trying to let go of all the negative things i hold onto and let God work but its hard and of course scary as i learn to fall. I know i'll get there eventually, and i know that when i do fall i'll be caught by God's loving arms.

God Vs the devil

The lies of the devil,
always plague my mind,
the Lord's sweet whisper,
always trying to break through,
my head's a mess,
confusion disrups truth,
God will be triumphant,
if i just give him a chance,
let him take control,
and win victory over evil.

27/8/07

Yes my child,
im speaking to you,
your thoughts are not your own,
they are mine,
i love you,
i am here,
i never left you,
you turned away,
come back to me,
i can heal you,
i will help,
if only you are willing.

God speaking to me???

Hold on to all I’ve shown you,
Never let it go,
Though I may feel distant,
I promise I’m always near,
You need to trust me,
For in this time you grow,
I’m testing you right now,
And I know that you are strong,
A time will come,
When you’ll feel me close,
And wonder why you doubted,
Until then continue in my word,
So the truth can set you free

"It is done"

I died for you my child,
I healed you by my stripes,
You are free to live,
But I ask of you my child,
To live the way I did,
Love freely and give to others,
Asking nothing in return,
Go into this world my child,
And share with them my word,
Bind up the broken hearted,
And bring them back to me,
As you do this my child,
Know that I love you,
You are precious to me,
I have a place for you,
With me in eternity,
My darling child,
I will never leave you nor forsake you,
I will be with you ‘till the end of time,
You will find comfort in my arms,
And peace in my presence,
I promise you this my child,
Do you trust me?

Glass

She’s broken from the fall,
Shards of glass splinter her body,
She cries, it hurts,
But she must move on,
The scars seem to heal,
But they trap glass inside,
Her movements are painful,
So she refuses to step out,
Hide the hurt, put on a mask,
Fear traps her, she’s stuck,
The glass tearing her up inside,
Outside she seems fine,
Hiding behind her wall,
She needs to heal,
Have the glass removed,
God can do it,
Take away past hurts,
Let her heal completely,
She needs to trust,
She’ll have to ask,
Her head knows the answers,
Her heart is crying out,
Head knowledge is hard to feel,
But when she lets go,
Her heart will heal,
She will be free,
Pain will leave,
She will step out in faith,
His arms will catch her,
He will hold her tight,
And heal the scars inside.

Written on the 13th of the 8th

Oh Lord I’m here,
Oh Lord I’m quiet,
Oh Lord I’m waiting,
I see your beauty,
In your creation,
I feel your wind,
I watch it dance,
But why oh Lord,
Can I not hear your voice?
Or know your words,
When you speak to me?
Why oh Lord,
Do you hide your face?
Turn your back,
When I need you,
Oh father please,
Help me understand,
Teach me to hear your voice,
Help me to know your words,
Oh father please,
Draw me near to you,
Let me feel your warmth,
Let me rest in peace,
Help me now,
To follow you,
Accept your love,
And love you too.

Falling

I throw myself to the ground and try to fall,
Fall up, into your loving arms,
My own efforts and strivings are weak,
My life is worthless, useless without you,
I cry out, I hurt,
But still I hold myself back,
What am I afraid of?,
You have shown me so much,
Please remove the wall,
Take away the obstacles,
Let me fall into your arms,
Let me feel loved,
Help me to heal.

Daughtor of the king

My song...

Daughter of the King-By Jacinta Manson
Feb 07

V1
Standing in the darkness,
Nothing but his shining glory upon us,
All around is darkness and pain,
Pain and suffering of this world.
Then I looked up and saw his beautiful face,

Pre-chorus bridge
THEN I knew I’d be okay…
The glitter of god broke the evil devil’s darkness…

Chorus
And now I’m free!,
Free to be royalty,
Free to be his,
Free to have a party,
And a family in heaven,
When I’ll get there I may never know,
I’ll get high off God and be ready,
Ready to run home to him,
Run, skip, dance and SING,
Free as the daughter of my father the KING!

V2
Life’s not all easy, I know that for sure,
With the up comes the down…
But they all equal out… in the end,
Life’s not all that bad,
as turned to face my god…

Bridge
God likes to try us, to see if were strong,
But I know now where strength is from,
Strength comes from god, Who gave up his son,
Watched him die on a cross, surrounded by pain,
Pain and darkness of this world,
He broke that vail, and made us a way…
A way to know and speak with him…
It was all from god, from god with love,
Given to us by his glorious son,
A son that lived like us on earth…
To show us how our victory is possible.


This was my first attempt at writing a song.
I normaly write poems. Sometimes my friend will change them in to a song for me though...

hmmm decided to blog...

Now that i've decided to blog i don't know what to write...
I know i'll use this to post some of my poems and stuff as i write them...
I guess i should post some of my old stuff to start with...
Heres some of the first things i wrote...

Scars:
When the scars have faded, will everything go back to how it was?Will anyone notice again? Anyone care? No way of showing, no way of knowing how i really feel.

Rain puddle:
'Why are the hard things in my life like a rain puddle,When the rain falls the ripples in the puddle are seen after,Why can't they be like the soft ground,When the rain falls, It disappears and is forgotten about right away!

The wall
Why is building up my life again like building up a wall?
Sometimes when things are going well I turn around and knock a brick off,
It smashes into a million pieces.
Sometimes it can be fixed, sometimes its beyond repair and needs to be replaced.
It will get finished eventually, It just takes time…

Healing???
'This hurting aches so bad over a wound that never happened,How can i ever heal when I’m my own worst enemy,How can i stop this pain when I’m the one creating it, How can i break my mistrust and let someone help me heal'